| DARKNESS RETREAT
TESTIMONIAL Jan 13-15, 2022 Chelsea Real I tried to keep an open mind and heart when walking into the darkness. I was totally unaware of what to expect, except that my two wonderful friends, Grisha and Tom, had told me some tips from being there themselves. (Bring pencil instead of pen to write on so it doesn't run out of ink, what kind of food and enjoy the rest!) Other than that, I had no idea what the experience would be like. I had heard of the darkness retreats from people in the Ecstatic Dance community and from my friend, Joanna, for years. It has always peaked my interest but never had I fully committed to it. Then this New Years came around. I felt depleted, lost and a little confused about my place and my path. I felt utterly disconnected and with Grisha and Tom leading the way like lanterns, I decided to commit. It happened (after talking to Finn about scheduling) that the days that were available on the schedule fell on the New Year itself. I didn't realize up until almost being there that it did. I had just started bleeding the night before, nervous of the mess I might make with no awareness of where I was bleeding. So I stocked up and plugged up; brought Midol and lots of tampons, feeling prepared to suppress for the sake of cleanliness and respect. I walked in, feeling neutral. Finn met me on the path with open arms. He helped me park in the slippery driveway, since it had just snowed. We made it. I was there. With help, we carried my things inside a cozy and dark cabin filled with the wonderfully woodsy aroma of a woodstove and peace. Dani, another sister I know, lay sprawled on the couch, sinking in calm and a smile on her face. In gentle whispers, we spoke of her experience and she welcomed me. Finn, energetic and effervescent, led me around the property, showing me the wonders of the land. Buildings like tree houses and cathedrals. I so enjoyed his company while prancing in the snow, exploring. What beauty. With that, I returned and began to prepare. Well, first, on the way, we bumped into Dani in the snow, integrating. I asked her "do you have any advice for bleeding in the dark?" she shook her head and Finn spoke up "I do!". He shared of the origins of dark retreats and women connecting to their wombs, to their blood, visions and Mother Earth. He said the women who were bleeding would go together into the dark, have visions, come out and share them with the elder crones of the tribe. The elders would then interpret them and share them with the men to tell them what to expect for the future and things like that. With awe and wonder, I realized I was in the perfect place at the perfect time. I was only doing two full days (because I don't have time to take off of work) but I was doing them bringing in the New Year and bleeding in the dark. What better way to connect with myself and my body. What ancient roots I felt connected to. Yes. It was right and I was right on time. I love when I realize that. So, Finn encourages me to free bleed. I'm hesitant. You'll have to clean it up! I won't be able to see! What if, what if, what if. He says he's used to it from past partners, no worries, not a big deal, and with gentle pushes, invites me to have warm towels, heated by the heater to free bleed on. Breathe, he says. Sleep and when you're not sleeping, breathe. So... I take the towels and say yes. What fun it is to have people help you get in touch with your own body in such ways. I felt lucky, honored. Grateful. With a smile and a new found sense of freedom and wildness, I set up my room. They both, like loving stewards, send me off with love, a prayer, and a hug and I'm off! I curled up after getting things settled. I had a candle for the next hour until that went out, then darkness. I cried. And cried. It was the commitment. It was the not leaving. I was mourning my past, mourning the one who thinks they can leave. Mourning, mourning. I cried. Until it stopped and I felt at peace, watching the candle go out. I knew it was coming, and I knew it was good. The candle went out. Darkness. Finally. I breathed, remembering Finn's words. Breathe. Excited, I got a warm towel and free bled. Breathe. In. Out. My womb lost it's cramps. I lost my resistance, and I enjoyed the feeling of being in my body, the deep well that ran through me. Connecting to the Earth above, below and within me. I kept breathing until I got tired and fell asleep. When I woke, I wanted to connect. It's my habit to talk and connect almost right away and I had to sit with the impulse to tap into others experiences and share. Sit. Breathe. I rocked back and forth, and kept focusing back on my body, my womb. I do not need distractions. I can be with myself. That day was a bumpy road. I kept coming up to edges where I'd want to run. Escape. Into something or someone. But I tried my best to be with myself, struggling a bit. I tried sleeping but my body didn't want to. It wanted to think, to speak, to be in the mind. Breathe. Breathe into the womb, I thought. I heated up more towels and welcomed myself home. Over and over. Until I did feel tired and I curled up in bed. When I slept, it felt disorienting because I didn't know what time it was. When I would wake, I would think, is the day over? Is it night? I wonder what time it is... I felt in a whirlwind of sorts being spun around like a washing machine. Breathe. That's okay, I would think. I'm here. I'm supported. They will tell me when to leave, I have nothing to worry about. Finding the bathroom was an adventure. Finding my food was one too. I tried to keep track of everything, so I could find it later but when I couldn't I felt like a child, feeling around and giggling. Oh, what fun to experience things in new ways. That night was more peaceful for me. I never had colorful visions but shadows did play on the walls. I felt a deeper peace that night. I fully embraced the darkness. The Dark Goddess. Bleeding, breathing and connecting. I moaned, rocked and released. Pure ecstasy. In love. In union with Spirit. Things are exactly as they are. Keep breathing. I did not need to try, I just was, and I was happy I was! The next morning, I met fear. Scary familiar fear. I heard scratching and thought it was a murderer (pretty typical of me) and sad but true. I prepared to fight, the nothing. Adrenaline for no reason. Thoughts of what if, what if, what if. How familiar, how we know each other so well. No, I said. I'm here, I said. I can do anything, be anything, so take me if you must. I went outside, thinking the sun was just coming up. It wasn't. It was full and bright and shocking to see for the first time in two days. So. Much. Light. I closed my eyes, and breathed. Adjusted. No one's there. See? You're alone. You always are. It can be Heaven if you embrace it. It can be Hell if you resist. I'll take that with me. I didn't bleed all over the walls like a crime scene like I thought I would, I had neat little spots on the towels and a full bag of Midol and tampons, never touched, thank Goddess (and Finn!). My womb felt free, unhinged, untethered. My body felt more peaceful. More connected. I felt more Home and I felt ready to welcome in the New Year. Finn's a visionary and he helped me enter the darkness and exit it, he was there integrating with me and speaking of other worldly ideas and adventures. I'm grateful for him, Dani, Joanna, Grisha, Tom, the Women Before Me, the Dark Goddess. The ones coming in the darkness after me and the ones that came before with adventures and sights I know are possible in the dark. I felt at home, at peace and connected. It was perfect. Perfect. And I was more myself, yet again. It was a reminder, in the dark. An awareness of the light and dark in my mind. The caverns and rainbows, shadows in the valleys, trees growing strong. My mind, my womb, the places in between. I am OK. That's what gift the darkness gave me, internal sight, and I feel so lucky to have shared it with such wonderful people. I would recommend this to anyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Until we meet again, my friend Chelsea |